Thursday, November 24, 2011

An experience of Matthew 14:17-21 (a Lectio Divina experience)

"All we have"...."they all ate and were satisfied."

If someone welcomes you, STAY with them.  If they open their door, accept their love.
Travel light so you are willing to accept what is offered and given to you.
Engage others, accept and give, from the openness of your heart, knowing you are fullest when you empty yourself of extra things.

Bless what you have -- it is enough and more.

Simplicity and acceptance, bring fulfillment and satisfaction.

"You shall my shield and fortress be, as long as life endures."

Jesus, sitting behind me -- it is OK to trust, it is also OK to be afraid and uncomfortable.  He took my hands in his, and just sat with me until I was able to relax.  He is with me always, and his angels watch over.

Metanoia (January 2011)

I knew you were there, but I chose not to see,
whispering inside my heart as I chose not to hear.

How our lives can take a turn
to open our eyes and ears
to the blinding light
and deafening sound

which all the time had been inside us.

Our own road to Damascus
in the desert of our hearts,
where the dry winds and arid land
deny your life-giving existence.

Awaken us to your love...to your light.
Call us so we may answer.
Lead us by the hand

back to you

who have been in our hearts all this time
without our knowing.

December 2010 - An Experience of Franciscan Prayer Style

Oh, Lord, open my soul, my heart, and let them be filled with you.  Allow me to be open to the workings of your Spirit, that I may know your will for me."

This prayer-style has brought out of me and intense, almost overbearing at times, feeling of longing, desiring, reaching.... What began as fear has transformed into desire - but desire for what?  Longing for what?  For what am I reaching?

Complete trust has always been difficult and challenging for me - in this prayer-style this trust is requisite.  In order to go beyond where I am, I must trust God, allow myself to be held by Him, let go of me and go to Him.

This is so intense and so hard.  I'm not sure I have the strength and courage to take that next step into what feels like a vast expanse of nothing.  Structure, rigidity, walls and floors keep me safe within them.  Familiar prayers, guidelines to follow, help me feel safe with my God.  To let them go, to leap, to fly, to trust that I will either fly or be caught brings up old fear as I struggle with my tightly bound feet to go to the light, the freedom, that can only be found with Trust In Him.

Fear not (from 12/2010)

So many times I am afraid to speak, I feel the familiar knot in my throat which holds all my passion and all my words inside of me.  It is the knot of fear.  I desire to trust you, Oh Lord, to truly believe and live under the words you say to me: "Fear not, for I am with you."  To know, beyond any doubt, that you have called me by name, that I am yours.  I long to trust these feelings, these feelings that you are always there no matter what, that I am precious to you and that you love me.  To trust that if I place myself in your hands, you will be there to catch me, that your love will support me and hold me and comfort me.  Your are my Lord, my God, my Savior...and that should be enough.

Time to Wait (from 9/2010)

I have received an invitation
my name engraved in gold
a light bright with heavenly warmth
calling me in from the cold.

Upon the beat of angel's wings
a song begins to grow
rising from so deep within
are tears which fill my soul.

I wait and wait with patient breath
to know for what I'm called
feeling the mighty arms of Him
around my heart in guard.

Before He sends His message true
my heart so soft must be
so in His hands I place my trust
and close my eyes to see.

My Lord

You are my light, you are my life.
No more does darkness encircle me.
Your embrace a shield of safety
Against evil which surrounds.
Your kiss: courage, as the enemies approach.
You are my love, you are my Lord.
My fear diminishes at your touch.

Sunday, October 9, 2011

Fits of Joy

Have you ever felt so full of love that it amazed you that you could contain all that inside of you?  But keeping it inside made you want to jump and sing and dance and leap and fly!  It had to come out, you had to let it out, or your heart would burst from the fullness of it all.  Does anyone else ever feel this way?

I could never put this into words until a dear friend of mine wrote to me of her youngest son, and how she loved him so much that he just gave her fits of joy.  What better way to describe this feeling I have for my own children, and for my Lord?  So, I wrote a poem for her, and for me, that comes as close as I can to putting this feeling into words:

Fits of Joy

I never knew what it meant
to love unfettered,
how rapture and fear intertwined
could cause me to soar.
 
Wings have I been gifted
powered only by your presence,
flying aloft these zephyrs
my heart expands and grows.
 
Heavenly winds draw forth tears
which propel me higher and more,
until all I am is light, and
nearly perfect expression of love.
 
But back to Earth must I return
ever lightened by this gift
of you and your smile to send me
these unexpected fits of joy.

Friday, June 24, 2011

Desire

This desire
Red hot and burning
In my soul;
Unquenchable thirst
That is my love
For you.
Wanting a touch,
A voice,
A breeze
To dry this face
Turned
Plaintively toward
Your own.
Hungering for your
Word
Satisfied a moment
As you speak
From the ages.
Celebration cannot come
Soon enough,
To look upon your body,
Your blood,
And know that only in you
Can I be made whole.
My Lord, my God,
My light, my life, my love,
My one and my all.

Wednesday, June 8, 2011

At What Age Do You Think You Will Die?

Throughout most of my life I have connected with people older than I am.  In college, there were only two people with whom I had much in common:  one of them I married :-), the other was a non-traditional student in her mid to late 40s.  Both of them I met in Father Lambert's Chemistry lab.  Especially in college, people my own age seemed, well, so young.  As I've grown in age, I have found a few people closer to my age with whom I connect, but in general, I still tend to gravitate toward an "older crowd."

Someone I respect very much said it is wonderful to find someone further along the "path" than you are, and how you often know it instinctively and want to spend time with them.  Maybe that is part of it for me.  This same person also said two of the best ways to achieve personal growth are to be abandoned as a child or suffer a traumatic event...hmmm.  Growth can be painful, but if you can work through the pain, THROUGH the pain, then you come out the other side a changed person.  If you've experienced this before, you know what he's talking about.

So the prayer group to which I belong is mostly people a few years older than I.  I was a little surprised when one evening someone in the group said she had recently and suddenly realized that she might not be alive much longer!  Maybe only ten more years or so.  Her husband remarked that when he worked for a major corporation, he had someone come out to give talks, and one year the guy asked everyone at what age they thought they would die.  I think most of us don't want to think about our death, and so avoid the discussions and thoughts leading to that topic, but he had been given the opportunity to consider this well before "the time".  I think we would all do well to consider this, for we know neither the time nor the place of our death.  Some months before I wrote the poem in my previous post, I was "receiving" messages which I was certain were pointing to my death - I heard calls to "come home", and in my brain at the time (during a time of desolation), that could only have meant one thing: Heaven.  One day, in the midst of this certainty that my death would be soon, I was walking down my driveway and suddenly a feeling of peace and comfort washed over me.  I said "I'm ready, Lord.  Take me when it is time" (consolation, right when I didn't expect it or even know what it was;-).  I didn't want to die, but at that moment, I felt ready and would accept it when it came. 

So when that comment was made about the timing of death, it gave me pause.  As a young child, it was almost painful to try to look and think ahead to a time when I was older, even just a few years older.  It was almost like a thick fog lay between me and the future.  Maybe this is part of what Jesus meant when he said we should not worry about tomorrow, all that anxiety will not add a day to our lives.  Certainly we should work and plan and prepare, but worrying about a future which hasn't happened yet isn't going to increase our lifespan.  The birds gather their food, build their nests, but they do it because it is what they are supposed to do, not out of worry or anxiety.  So, too, we should continue to do what we are "supposed" to do, but leave the future to God, the unknown to God.  Trust, placing your trust in God -- when you can do it, it is truly an amazingly peaceful feeling.

So, at what age do I see death visiting upon me?  That was a hard question for me, and for a while I couldn't come up with an age.  When I finally was able to, I was surprised.  Today I am 41, feeling young and healthy...but the age that kept coming up was 38 (the end of my old life...beginning of a new one?).

Saturday, June 4, 2011

Desolation/Consolation

I was reading one of my favorite blogs (http://jimmcdermott.blogspot.com/) today, and the topic was "Waiting for Consolation".  The comments some people made to the piece prompted me to write on this topic. 

St Ignatius of Loyola defined Consolation as a time when "some interior movement in the soul is caused, through which the soul comes to be inflamed with love of its Creator and Lord....Likewise when it sheds tears that move to love of its Lord....<and> every increase of hope faith and charity, and all interior joy which calls and attracts to heavenly things and to the salvation of one's soul, quieting it and giving it peace in its Creator and Lord."  Desolation is seen as what is contrary to consolation, to wit:  "darkness of soul, disturbance of it, movement to things low and earthly, the unquiet of different agitations and temptations...without hope, without love, when one finds oneself all lazy, tepid, sad, and as if separated from his Creator and Lord."  (taken from The Spiritual Exercises of St. Ignatius of Loyola).

Haven't we all felt these?  Do we have a tendency toward one or the other?  Do we recognize when we are in feeling these?  What are our reactions, where do our thoughts lie, how do we change and feel when we are in desolation?  In consolation?   What riches can be found in both? 

Just this morning, I was taking  a shower thinking of all of this, and when I had finished and dried off, a tremendous feeling of love and joy pervaded my entire being.  I could not help but smile and look up and say a prayer of praise to my Creator and Lord.  Do we recognize these moments and fully embrace them, allowing them to inform our day and our life?  I know, for me, it seems easier to "wallow" in moments of desolation.  They encourage stasis, laziness and inward-ness.  On the other hand, moments of consolation encourage me to go outside of myself, to bring this Light to the world, to bask in the joy and love that is our Lord.  That takes effort and energy and a constant reminder to myself to stay in the light.  And if I let them, these joyful moments do indeed provide me with the energy to live fully and extend beyond my boundaries -- fully explore the edges of my existence. 

Both consolation and desolation are part of our human existence.  Didn't we hear from Jesus "Very truly, I tell you, you will weep and mourn, but the world will rejoice; you will have pain, but your pain will turn into joy." ?(John 16: 20)  I think this is one way to look at these two aspects of our life, our spiritual life.  There will be pain, times of darkness, times of feeling lost and alone -- but if you can sit with the pain without reacting to it, without judging it, it will in time reveal a deep and lasting joy.  Acknowledging and letting the experience work through you strengthens you for all the other times of desolation which are surely to come, and give you an even greater sense of joy during moments of consolation.  We draw strength from our trials, courage from our weakness, love and joy from our times of confusion and abandonment.

I wrote this poem a while back, which came at a time when I was finally rising out of a period of desolation, a very dark and lonely time.  It reminds me that the Lord is always present, is always with me, even when I may not be able to feel His presence:

Even in Darkness

I searched
and He found me.
I turned my back
and He returned love.
I walked in the dark
not knowing He cleared my path.
I stood in the rain
while He held me and dried my tears.
I was alone and silent
and He whispered to me.
And when I was lost
He led me back home.

He called my name
and I cried when I heard His voice.
He breathed His Spirit upon me
and this wind warmed my soul.
He reached out His hands
and I fell into His arms.
He welcomed me back to Him
and I entered His door in joy.
He placed his hand upon my head
and I smiled at His touch.
He has never left me alone
and even in darkness I can now see His light.

Sunday, May 15, 2011

Born of Love

I have been working on this poem for some time, and still cannot get it quite right.  But here is the most recent draft - sometimes putting it "out there" helps me to see it in a new light:

There was a glow on that night
when all Heaven burst with joy,
angels singing at the sight
of this small and fragile boy.

His mother held him in her arms
as he breathed his first full breath
all of nature could he charm,
a light in the darkness.

With tears in His eyes, His son was born,
a fullness of love brand new.
It was God's heart which shone that morn,
His tears the early dew.

Mary held him to her breast
while Joseph in wonder did stand
to see this miraculous guest
and touch his tender hand.

This son of God, this son of man,
was born to lead us back home.
Our job just to understand
his love is the heart of our poem.

Saturday, May 14, 2011

Reflection on Isaiah 43:1-5

Fear not for I am with you.
Speak my name without shame.
Let my light shine from your heart:
for I am the Lord, your God,
Your Savior.
All that I have is already yours.
Trust in my strength and faithfulness.
Trust in me,
for you are precious in my eyes and glorious.
I shall not let you fall.
I shall hold you in my hands
and surround you with my love.
Let my love be your shield and your strength,
for I have called you by name.
You are mine.

Friday, May 13, 2011

Question of the day: How does the Spirit approach?

Some days just a feeling, a softness rising to my eyes
and the Spirit is present in tears that sit so still.
Other days I am blown back by the strength of this wind,
the force of a hurricane in the confines of my soul.
Most times, though, as a gentle breeze, the breath of God
gently ruffling my hair and softly calling to me.
Such a gentleness, such a strength -- these hands worn from work
but kept soft by Love's own caress.
The Spirit approaches us in as many ways as we pray:
always meeting us how we need to be met,
always meeting us with and in love.