I don't usually come down with illness very often, but when I do I get pretty sick. So nearly two weeks ago when I began to feel poorly, knowing I had to go off-island to get my windshield-wipers fixed (it is a requirement to have working wipers in the Pacific NW during the rainy season), I just buckled down and focused on getting through whatever I needed to get through. Well by the time I got back home, I was down for the count for a few days. Then last Tuesday I suddenly felt better, but remained tired. I'm still easily fatigued, physically and emotionally, hoping that this will pass soon and I can get back to my usual crazy schedule.
My prayer life has suffered these past two weeks, and I am easily distracted, unfocused and don't "feel God's Presence" (sorry, I had to :-)!!). But what I do "feel" is only what I can describe as a heavy weight and sadness that I somehow know is not my own. I didn't realize it until this morning, since my usual routine is to pray for specific people and their intentions during my Rosary - but for the past few days as I have sat and asked/thought/prayed for what or whom I should pray, what has come to mind is not a single person or a single problem. What has come to mind is the totality of the world and its slow loss of knowing what is True and right and good - the loss of Faith - the loss of Joy. I have no idea how to pray for all of this, have difficulty verbalizing what it is I feel, so I just sit and let the heaviness that I feel descend to the Rosary in my hands. On my own I cannot take this weight, but these small beads, this fragile chain, can. But it sure makes for a heavy Rosary!!
I am reminded of Romans 8:26-27 "In the same way, the Spirit too comes to the aid of our weakness; for we do not know how to pray as we ought, but the Spirit itself intercedes with inexpressible groanings. And the one who searches hearts knows what is the intention of the Spirit, because it intercedes for the holy ones according to God's will."
I am also reminded of last May when I attempted to gather people together for group praying of the Rosary, and no one showed up (throughout the month, only 1 person came - once). I sat there that first morning, weeping, and all I could think to do was apologize to Mary and Jesus for the "lack of"...could no one spare 30 minutes to pray? The feeling I have now is quite similar to the one I had then. It is what it is. And all I can do is continue to pray and keep my focus on our Lord and the Cross. Even though many days it is quite challenging, and that cross is difficult to pick up in its heaviness - though once I remember to look at Jesus, it becomes lighter and easier to carry...I just wish I could remember to look up more often!